The fear of being stuck

So as I’m sure you’ve gathered, I’m on the May Cause Miracles journey.

I had a weird experience today, and I can’t seem to sleep, so I suppose it never hurts to get things out.

The day went really well. I felt light, full of love, and at ease for the majority of the day.

Then, when I sat down to do my evening meditation, I lost it. Just started crying, hard, for no reason. So naturally, I felt like a crazy person. And then all the sudden all this doubt surfaced about my impending travel plans. As you know, I’m waiting to hear about the status of my Project Hope application. Apparently, the people at the mission love me, but the Navy is cutting budget for the trip, so things are a bit uncertain. They are no longer sure they’ll be taking a photojournalist, but if they do, it’ll be me. Which is great, but it also means that I’ve truly done all I can do in this situation. It’s with the universe now, and I need to trust that things will work out.

But I’m just filled with doubt. Fear. Emotion. I worry that without this trip, I’ll be stuck here, which has always been my biggest fear. Hell I ended a year and a half relationship for that reason. Being stuck makes me feel like I’m not good enough.

There’s fear on the other side too. If I go, I leave everything I know and love behind for complete unknown. Yes, I know it will absolutely change my life for the better, that’s the point. But there’s so much comfort in the life you know and the people you love. I think that’s always how it goes. We are faced with situations where we have to choose one or the other, so that we can eventually have a life where we get all the things we want. I truly believe that will happen for me too. But I’m human, and though I know this trip is my destiny, doubt has crept in. Now its my job to use the tools I’ve been learning to keep it from growing roots and allowing me to self sabotage.

I think what it comes down to is I’ve gotten too attached to the outcome of this situation with Project Hope. Yes, I believe its fate that I was presented with this opportunity. Yes, I feel with every fiber of my being that it’s where I belong. But I’ve let my ego use those things to assume I have it already and that I’m fucked, excuse my French, without it. But the truth is, if it doesn’t work out, a greater opportunity awaits, and it will present itself exactly when it needs to. It’ll just be my job to grab it by the horns.

Alright, I feel better. Glad I did this. And for that, I’m grateful. Now let’s see if I can sleep.