Sometimes I get an intense urge to run.
Not like jog, like hop in a car/on a plane at a moment’s notice and not look back. Figure things out as I go.
Whenever things get a little hard in my life, the inclination to bolt reaches a climax and I start getting the itch to wander. In case you couldn’t guess, today is one of those days. The title of this blog is also the title of a Spotify playlist I just made to calm myself down.
I realize I’m already leaving. Soon, in fact; in less than three months I step on a plane to Peru with no return date set. But I think that’s part of why I’m getting the urge now. I don’t want to say goodbye. I’m terrified of getting more and more attached to this place and these people, knowing I’m going to leave it all behind in a few months. I’ve had the best summer of my life so far, connected with some amazing souls and had the time of my life. Work has been flexible, the weather has been great, and I’m the happiest and most confident I’ve been in a long time. And yet that doesn’t make anything perfect. I haven’t come all the way yet, I still have a lot of work to do on myself and one of my biggest issues is attachment. I get attached so easily, convincing myself I need certain people, places and things to make me feel happy and secure. And for some reason, the only solution my mind comes to is to run away and leave it all, which I’m assuming if I ever actually did, I might seriously regret. But in the moment, it sounds perfect.
I’ll be honest. I’m confused as shit right now. The only constant, the only thing I know for sure, is that I have to go to Peru. I don’t know what I’m doing when I get there, or how long I’ll stay, or where the money will come from, but I have to go. I don’t know why, although that makes me feel more confident about it – it’s a calling from something higher than me that I can’t deny. But everything else is up in the air. I have an inkling of what I want to do career-wise, but no specific direction for when I get back from my trip. I know I desperately want the romantic soulmate relationship I’ve always dreamed of, especially now as I’ve always wanted a partner in crime for my adventures, but I’m not sure I’m ready maturity-wise…I have a lot of craziness I need to get out of my system still. I know the type of person I want to be, and I’m definitely well on my way, but I have so much to learn with regards to how to love unconditionally and treat people equally.
What I can say is since buying that ticket, I’ve learned so much about who I am. I’m a true extrovert, I feel most energized surrounded by people who love me, and even when I need solitude, I find it surrounded by people rather than alone. I can charm the pants off anyone if I really put my mind to it, and I think I radiate a specific kind of energy that most don’t have. I’m unique to my core, and I love every part of that truth. When I’m myself, I shine and people really respond to it. So I guess I just need to remember that even when things get a little rough and I start to get overwhelmed with confusion about my future, it’ll all work out as long as I’m true to me.
Sorry about all the self help hippie talk, this is how I talk things out for myself haha. Feeling slightly less like running now, so I guess it worked. I suppose I’ll stick around here a little longer 😉