I felt the need to write a follow up post to a blog I wrote a while back. Well two, actually. The one where I decided Project Hope was my destiny, and the one where I started to have doubts.
Things have a funny way of working themselves out. We think we know what’s best for us, but it isn’t always the case. When I heard about Project Hope, I thought I had everything figured out. The opportunity, in the moment, was perfect. But as time went on, I did have doubts. Clearly, from the post I wrote. I was meditating and I freaked out. I may not have gathered it at the time, but that was my intuition telling me it wasn’t right.
I need to be better about listening to my doubts. Sure, sometimes they stem from fear. But sometimes, it’s my intuition telling me which path to take. I guess I have a hard time discerning between the two. But in this case, I remember having doubts about the rigidity of the program; I’ve always been a free spirit and thrived on “going with the flow.” Project Hope would have been all curfews and uniforms and time schedules, I would have been miserable. But what that opportunity did was truly pave the way for my upcoming trip to Peru. Because I told everyone I was leaving one way or another, and I had to be accountable for that, but also it was a good first step to making traveling less scary. It eased my mind into the idea and once I saw that’s what I wanted, I knew I had to go for it anyway.
Here’s the other thing, not going on Project Hope led me to have one of the best summers of my life. I went on plenty of vacations, saw amazing live music, made new friends, got in a relationship with someone who reminded me of the type of person I’m looking for. I drove across the US with a friend that I now consider a best friend, rode a roller coaster at the top of a 1,150 foot building, visited a number of places I’ve never been before, got a last-minute tattoo, and broke into a college football stadium in the middle of the night. I stayed out too late on a regular basis, let go of my strict diet regime, stopped caring about what others thought of me and therefore drew people towards me. I managed to have a crazy adventure almost every single weekend this summer. I can’t even imagine having missed out on all those experiences.
This summer has prepared me for my trip to Peru. If I’d left in May, I’d have left prematurely. I’ve learned so much about myself this summer and everything that has happened validates that its the right place for me to be. When I go, I’ll be confident in who I am and that will guide me on my trip. I have no questions in my mind that this is how it needs to go down. The rest, I’ll figure out as I go cause clearly, I’m not in control here. And thank God for that.