The fear of being stuck

So as I’m sure you’ve gathered, I’m on the May Cause Miracles journey.

I had a weird experience today, and I can’t seem to sleep, so I suppose it never hurts to get things out.

The day went really well. I felt light, full of love, and at ease for the majority of the day.

Then, when I sat down to do my evening meditation, I lost it. Just started crying, hard, for no reason. So naturally, I felt like a crazy person. And then all the sudden all this doubt surfaced about my impending travel plans. As you know, I’m waiting to hear about the status of my Project Hope application. Apparently, the people at the mission love me, but the Navy is cutting budget for the trip, so things are a bit uncertain. They are no longer sure they’ll be taking a photojournalist, but if they do, it’ll be me. Which is great, but it also means that I’ve truly done all I can do in this situation. It’s with the universe now, and I need to trust that things will work out.

But I’m just filled with doubt. Fear. Emotion. I worry that without this trip, I’ll be stuck here, which has always been my biggest fear. Hell I ended a year and a half relationship for that reason. Being stuck makes me feel like I’m not good enough.

There’s fear on the other side too. If I go, I leave everything I know and love behind for complete unknown. Yes, I know it will absolutely change my life for the better, that’s the point. But there’s so much comfort in the life you know and the people you love. I think that’s always how it goes. We are faced with situations where we have to choose one or the other, so that we can eventually have a life where we get all the things we want. I truly believe that will happen for me too. But I’m human, and though I know this trip is my destiny, doubt has crept in. Now its my job to use the tools I’ve been learning to keep it from growing roots and allowing me to self sabotage.

I think what it comes down to is I’ve gotten too attached to the outcome of this situation with Project Hope. Yes, I believe its fate that I was presented with this opportunity. Yes, I feel with every fiber of my being that it’s where I belong. But I’ve let my ego use those things to assume I have it already and that I’m fucked, excuse my French, without it. But the truth is, if it doesn’t work out, a greater opportunity awaits, and it will present itself exactly when it needs to. It’ll just be my job to grab it by the horns.

Alright, I feel better. Glad I did this. And for that, I’m grateful. Now let’s see if I can sleep.

 

In losing everything, we find freedom

You are going to laugh at me when I tell you what my super dramatic title refers to.

This morning, I noticed my iPhone had a new software update with bug fixes and stuff. Since the last update totally screwed with my phone, I downloaded the new one immediately. When I went to check on it, however, I realized that the stupid thing had restored to factory settings, and being the technically challenged person that I am, I never backed any of my stuff up. So yeah, I lost everything. Apps, photos, notes, alarms, my calendar, contacts, all my texts and voicemails…

Given this age of technology that we live in, this is devastating.

I was frustrated to tears. I knew I was being kind of ridiculous and dramatic, but that phone has honestly chronicled my life over the last few years. I’m a picture freak especially, so to lose all my photos really broke my heart. I let myself be upset and just wallow in the feeling for a while. I asked myself over and over why I even did the stupid software update, wishing I could take it back.

After the emotion passed though, I decided to find the silver lining in this situation. I’ve been wanting to get rid of social media on my phone for a while, because it’s a distraction I’ve been overusing lately. But I couldn’t quite bring myself to delete those precious apps. Apparently, when you resist something you know you need, the universe finds a way to give it to you anyway. I guess this is my wake up call, in that respect.

This got me thinking about the clutter in my life. All the material things I keep around that I’ve become attached to. This whole iPhone restore dealio knocked out all my virtual possessions, if you will, but what if my house burned to the ground tomorrow? I’d be devastated at the loss. Why? Because I’m totally attached to my possessions. But those attachments separate me from my source, my inner truth. Same goes for people, or anything else we attach ourselves to. The more attachments we have, the more we have to lose. But loss is an illusion, we already have access to everything we need when we connect to the divine within ourselves.

After coming to this realization, I checked my phone. Miraculously, the one thing I truly need, my contacts, had been restored. Everything else was still missing, but at least I still have access to the people in my life. And honestly, I kind of had to laugh. I mean, call it what you want, but the iPhone is just a phone. And phones are for calling people. It can still perform its basic function, and to be honest, that’s all I really need from it.

What was a devastating loss just minutes before was now an illuminated path to freedom. I feel a little lighter, less obligated to be technology’s slave. In her video for “Ride,” which I’m inexplicably drawn to, Lana Del Rey says “It takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.” No I didn’t lose everything, not even close. But what I did lose got me a step closer to being free of the shackles of constant connectivity, and eliminated one more distraction from my true purpose.

I hope that I can release attachments in other areas of my life as well. Because only when we release our attachments can we find true freedom, and freedom is where infinite happiness lies.

“I am f*cking crazy, but I am free” – Lana Del Rey

Miraculous shifts cause miraculous opportunities: A “May Cause Miracles” Case Study

From the moment Gabrielle Bernstein announced pre-sale for her new book, May Cause Miracles, I knew I had to buy it. Little did I know at the time that this book would have life-changing side effects.

I’m one of those people who’s always looking at things to spend money on, but never actually pulls the trigger. Be it books, workout programs, or basically anything that could potentially improve my life…I just have a hard time committing. But this book was different for some reason. Clearly, something bigger than myself was intervening.

I’ll admit, the first week was rough. I’d done Gabby’s meditations pretty frequently, but as soon as I started MCM, I felt blocked. I was down on myself for being unable to open up to this practice. But I worked to forgive myself for getting discouraged and forged forward even though I felt no miraculous shifts. Looking back, I realize that my willingness to trust the practice was a miraculous shift.

Before I continue, I want to give a little back story. It’s been my dream, as my readers are well aware, to travel the world. I have a desire to experience other cultures that is so intense, I know the idea stems from a divine purpose. I’ve felt for a long time that I won’t be able to figure out I want to do with my life until I’ve spent a good amount of time traveling. In September, I broke things off with my boyfriend of a year and a half because I didn’t feel that his life plan aligned with my dream to travel, and decided then and there that I’d start saving for a solo tour of South America. I even picked a departure date: May 15th, 2013.

And then I freaked out.

Could I really travel to a continent I’d never been to, where they speak a language I don’t understand, and put myself in a potentially dangerous situation by being alone? All the potential problems with this plan became glaringly obvious, and suddenly I felt uncertain about the one thing I’ve always felt certain about.

This freak out was smack dab in the middle of Week 1 of May Cause Miracles.

When I start to doubt myself (which generally happens if I’m left alone to think for too long), my uber-social nature kicks in and I unload in the best way I know how: I call a friend. One of my best friends, Tiffany, has been through all the trip-related ups and downs with me since before my breakup and has remained confident that traveling is truly my purpose, so she seemed like the best person for the job. She suggested that I look into signing up for some kind of structured program that allowed me to have a place to land and get my bearings before I went off on my own. Coincidentally, my roommate, also one of my closest friends, offered the same advice. But all I really felt after talking to them was frustration. How on God’s green Earth was I going to find such a thing, and if I did, how was I supposed to know what potential program was right for me?

Week 2 of MCM came, and I felt myself open up a little more. I cultivated self love and forgave myself for all the uncertainty I was feeling. I took some time off trip planning and focused on other things I love. I spent my weekend honing my country swing dancing skills, spending time with family, going out on the town with some of my favorite people and watching football. It was truly one of the best weekends I’d had in a long, long time, and I was overwhelmingly grateful to the point of feeling giddy come Sunday evening for this amazing life I’ve been given.

And that night, my prayers were answered. My path was illuminated, and my certainty returned full-force.

My aunt, who was in town for the weekend, is a doctor, and she has spent the last few years traveling the world volunteering with Project Hope, a Navy-based organization that provides medical relief to countries in need. At Sunday dinner, it was clear that she’d been talking to my parents about my impending trip; I know they too have been worried about the lack of structure in my travel plans. She mentioned that Project Hope needed a photojournalist for their next trip in none other than Central and South America. I’m a blogger, Broadcast Journalism major and current public relations professional, so the opportunity couldn’t have been more perfect. If selected, I’d be fulfilling my traveling dream, feeding my altruistic spirit and doing a job that fits my skill set and allows me to build my resume while I take a hiatus from the working world. And, the trip departs at the end of May, perfectly aligning with the date I’d set in my head. There are no coincidences. This opportunity was made for me.

My application is out in the world, but I won’t hear if I’ve been selected for at least another month and a half. So technically, this story’s happy ending is still pending. But that’s kind of the point isn’t it? I already feel as though I have my happy ending, or, more appropriately, my new beginning. I wake up each morning energized and excited, knowing that what I desire is on its way. And it has made me more confident that the same will happen in other areas of my life, especially as I continue on the May Cause Miracles journey.

So here’s to life’s synchronicities, to trusting God’s plan for our lives, and to living the life we dream of not once it arrives, but today and every day. Thank you Gabrielle, for teaching me the meaning of miracles.

Got Behind, Big Shocker

So it turns out blogging every day of my cleanse was a little more difficult than I’d expected. I guess technically I’m on day 12 of the cleanse, but during this whole process I’ve restructured and changed things here and there, so it’s turning into something else entirely.

For starters, I will not go a whole 21 days, mainly because Joe and I will be in Bellingham and Seattle this weekend and I’m afriad that a liquid only diet will be too hard to maintain away from home. Which basically means I have to start adding solid food back in before we go, so I don’t completely shock my system.

I also decided to go juice only for a few days. I started yesterday, so I’m halfway through day 2. What I can’t decide is how long to go for. Normally, I’d try at least a week, but seeing as I’ve already been cleansing for so long, I don’t know how much more cleansing my body requires at this point. It’s all very confusing. As of now, I think I’ll juice until dinner tomorrow night, adding back a smoothie or blended soup for dinner.

What I really want to blog about today, though, is our culture’s views and norms that surround eating. From day one of this cleanse, Joe was complaining about feeling anti social since he couldn’t drink booze or eat out at restaurants. I suggested we go out just to spend time with our friends, without eating, but he responded with “I don’t want to look weird, I want to be able to eat like everyone else.”

That comment really got me thinking. What have we come to if we can’t even enjoy a social event without putting something in our mouths? We go to happy hour for drinks after work. We grab lunch or coffee to catch up with a friend. I’m just as guilty as the next person of relying on food and alcohol to entertain me, to serve as a buffer between me and another person so we don’t have to awkwardly agree on a different activity. Do I want to be stuck in this trap? My boyfriend would tell me its just normal, its what people do. But look where normal has gotten us…Americans are notoriously fat and sick.

Yes, I will agree that it sucks not being able to eat at my favorite restaurants or even cook from scratch with another couple. I don’t think that using food as a way to interact with others is a bad thing to do, I just don’t think it should be the only option.

So I’d really like to make it a goal to do things with my friends that don’t involve eating or drinking. Taking walks and hikes, going shopping, volunteering, whatever. Just something that allows me to connect with others without shoving anything into my mouth. And when I do socialize while eating or drinking, I want to slow down, enjoy my food consciously, and focus on the connection I’m making with that other person, rather than eating to avoid deep conversation.

I challenge you to take this step with me. Let’s make a world where we don’t worry so dang much about food, and hopefully learn to truly enjoy and value food as a result.

Kitten!

Day 5

After taking a momentary lapse in the cleanse to fully enjoy VegFest, I decided Monday would be a juice-till-dinner day, rather than having a smoothie at lunch.

So, my lease on my apartment is up September 30th, which means both my roommate and I are looking for new spots to live. I haven’t had much luck, but Cori, my roommate, already moved into her new place, leaving me with pretty much nothing. The couches, TV, coffee and end tables, and most of the dishes were hers. So I have a kitchen table, a computer desk, and a wide open space in my living room. Which for the most part is extremely depressing. Unless you have a hula hoop!

For a workout, I put that little baby to work! Prancing around my empty apartment to upbeat top 40 cuts, swinging a hula hoop around my waist, was ridiculously fun. I did it for a half hour straight, which left me sweating, my abs burning, and my energy better than it’s been all week! So hey, when life gives you a sad empty apartment…make lemonade!

The best part is, that wasn’t even the highlight of my day!

This was:

That’s right, Joe got a kitten! He’s probably the coolest kitten ever too because he’s extremely social and cuddly, but also super playful. 2 months old…is that not just the sweetest thing?

It’s pretty easy to forget your hunger when there is a baby animal to play with. Joe and I didn’t end up having our dinner smoothies until like 8:30, sucking them down quickly while watching the little bugger go.

I think these little joys are what will really help this cleanse improve my life. There’s only so much that can be said for the actual physiology of it, a lot of your success depends on what you do emotionally and spiritually to support cleansing. Laughing, giving your love to other people and animals, moving your body, meditating…that’s the stuff of life, not food (or juice, whatever).

Cleanse your soul people, in addition to your body. After all, the soul is all that will be left in the end.

Day 4 – Feeling Refreshed!

After a bit of a downer day, I really needed a pick me up. Luckily, I got it.

The majority of the day was boring, until 3 p.m. rolled around.

It’s VegFest time.

Ilan and I had been getting excited about VegFest for weeks now, and the day we’d planned on attending had finally arrived. Neither of us really knew what to expect, so we gave ourselves a few hours of wandering and planned to watch a screening of Forks Over Knives at 5 p.m.

A little back story on my friend Ilan: for awhile, she lived in San Francisco. A couple months back she was in town for our friend Jamie’s birthday, and on the drive out to the coast we talked a lot about my newfound veganism (I hadn’t seen her since I’d cut out meat). At first, she was skeptical; worried about my health and weather I was eating enough substantial food. But after a weekend of talking to her about it, she decided she wanted to give it a try. She gave up all but fish at first, but she found that she loved the plant based diet so much that she gave that up as well. She’s been happily vegan ever since, and now that she’s back in town, I’m loving having a friend who shares my views on nutrition!

So both of us being fairly new to the vegan world, we’d obviously never attended VegFest before, and wow, I had no IDEA what I was missing out on. Tons of vegan vendors giving out samples, speakers and demos, and all sorts of vegan goodies to buy. It was seriously heaven. Even Joe got into the spirit by devouring fake meat products and buying a VitaMix (our smoothies are about to get a serious makeover). I wrote a more detailed account of my favorite products on my other blog.

Between that and seeing Forks Over Knives again, I couldn’t have had a more renewing experience. Amidst the craziness of detoxing, it was so nice to be reassured that I really am doing the right thing for my health. I haven’t felt so alive and invigorated in weeks, and my passion was sparked once again, reminding me that this really is my purpose in life. I left feeling like I was walking on air, and ready to take on the world. I’m still kicking myself for not spending the entire weekend in that convention center…

To top things off, both Ilan and my parents commented on how healthy I look. Ilan said I’m looking a lot slimmer, which is a major plus, and my parents said I look healthier than I have in months. Well, I feel healthier than I have in months, thats for damn sure. It’s nice to hear that the cleanse is working, even only 4 days in.

Only 2 more weeks to go!

Day 3

Day 3

Ughh. Just, Ughh.

I’m still not like starving, I don’t feel weak or anything, but today was just not a great day.

To start off, I woke up to rain. It’s hard to believe that exactly a week ago we were tubing on the Columbia River in 90 degree weather, and only 7 days later, I’m in jeans and boots and layering sweatshirts to go outside. Sometimes I wonder why I still live in the northwest.

Thanks to the weather, I had no interest in going for a walk. I did a little yoga inside but I just couldn’t get into it today. I also walked on the treadmill for about 40 minutes, hoping some endorphins might improve my mood, but apparently I didn’t go hard enough because it didn’t do the trick at all. Blech. And it definitely doesn’t help that I have this nagging ache in my back from my job. Its becoming excruciating.

To make matters worse, Joe is going absolutely stir crazy about the whole not drinking thing, and we’ve been getting on each others nerves constantly.

So the combination of arguing with Joe, the rain, and the back pain doesn’t make for a great cleansing day. Even my shower routine that I’ve come to love so much couldn’t snap me out of it.

The day did look up a bit when we met up with some friends to watch the Washington State game. Although seeing my beloved Cougs lose to San Diego State sucked, my friend and fellow vegan, Ilan, suggested we double date and make dinner at Joe’s place. She mentioned she had a recipe for cream of broccoli soup that would ahdere to the guidelines of my cleanse.

So the two of us and our boyfriends had some delicious soup while watching a really disturbing movie, and honestly it was just great to be around people and feel social even though I’m not eating like a “normal” person. And, I have a new recipe to add to my repretoire!

Ilan’s Cream of Broccoli Soup

5 c. water

1 heaping tbsp. powdered veggie broth (I use Rapunzel)

1 c. cashews (we used roasted but I bet raw would be better, soak for 2 hours or so to get the best results)

1 large head broccoli, chopped

1 onion, diced

2 carrots, peeled and diced

2 stalks celery, diced

1 tsp. sea salt (or more to taste)

Boil 4 c. water and add veggie broth mix. Stir until dissolved. Steam all veggies over boiling broth for 3-4 minutes, or until veggies are just starting to soften up. In a high powered blender or food processor, blend cashews with remaining 1 cup of water until completely smooth (this is important! If they aren’t completely blended your soup will be watery). Add veggies and broth and blend until mostly smooth. Serve warm. Sprinkle with ground pepper and nutritional yeast.

Serves 4.

Day 1-2

Yesterday, it all began.

My first day going liquid-only.

 

Will-power wise, I think it did pretty dang good! I was hungry between breakfast (juice) and lunch (smoothie), but other than that, I didn’t really feel any physical hunger, which I found to be pretty amazing. However, I did notice that my cravings were all over the place. And I wasn’t really craving anything unhealthy, just my normal “rabbit food”. But I think we all just have this mindset that we need to eat solid food, and we crave that sensation. Joe has noticed that as well, although he’s convinced it means he needs to eat what he’s craving, which is basically fast food. I don’t think he’s really grasping the point of the cleanse.

Physically, I didn’t feel great. After a sauna sesh the night before, I woke up with a headache (my own fault…who doesn’t hydrate after the sauna?) that lasted the entire length of the day. Worked 7 a.m. until 3 p.m. with a splitting headache, which made me want to curl up in bed and not move for the rest of the day. And really, I didn’t move until it was time to make “dinner”, which turned out to be an absolutely delicious smoothie (recipe below). After that, I felt a little better, so Joe and I decided to go to the humane society to look at kittens, since he wants to buy one. Being around the animals was like serious therapy. I forgot all about the pain in my head when all I could think about was how badly I wanted all these animals to get adopted. I think I’m going to submit my application to volunteer for them when I have time off.

Headache got a lot worse after I got home, so I decided to go to bed early. I didn’t want to take ibuprofen and disrupt my detox process, but when I was still awake at midnight, I couldn’t do anything but bite the bullet. I couldn’t justify losing sleep the night before a work day.

Today was a lot easier. Still no cravings, and no killer hunger so far. I’m definitely less energetic than normal, but I don’t have the intense need for a nap like I did yesterday. I’m planning on taking a walk, since I’ve been skimping on my exercise, then maybe a little yoga! Tonight I’m seeing Zac Brown Band, which is going to be amazing!

One thing I do love about this cleanse is skin brushing. When you release toxins, some escape to the surface of the skin, so it is important for you to get rid of those by dry brushing your skin with a natural bristle brush or loofa before you shower. I’ve been doing that, in addition to hot/cold plunges (in the shower, 1 minute of hot water, 1 minute of cold), and it makes my skin feel AMAZING. I feel so invigorated and my skin gets really soft. I’ve also been moisturizing with coconut oil instead of lotion, which not only feels heavenly, but makes me smell like the beach. I highly recommend it, even if you aren’t cleansing! I’m definitely going to add it to my normal routine.

 

As promised, I’m going to include recipes, so here is the delicious smoothie we made last night…it’s perfect for people who like spice!

 

Peach Almond Cardamom Smoothie

 

(Serves 2)

 

1/2 c. unsweetened vanilla hemp milk

1 c. O.N.E. coconut water

1/4 c. raw almond butter

1 1/2 c. frozen peach slices

1 c. frozen blackberries

1 tsp. ground cardamom

 

Blend all ingredients until smooth and enjoy!

 

Scrub-a-dub-dub!

After a summer of indulgence and incessant stomach issues, I’ve decided to give my body a rest. Time for a cleanse!

I’ve done cleanses/detoxes before, but this one is going to be quite a bit different. It’s longer for one, and it will be all liquid (smoothies and juices). It is supposed to somewhat mirror Alejandro Junger’s “Clean” 21-day cleanse, minus the solid food part. My natropath doesn’t think lots of raw veggies are good for my stomach right now, at least until it heals.

Unlike past cleanses, this one doesn’t seem nearly as daunting to me…I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe because I already juice on a regular basis, so it isn’t as much of a shock to my system. Or maybe because I know I really need it.

After a round of antibiotics for H. Pylori (the bacteria that causes ulcers), and some natropathic remedies, my stomach is finally starting to improve. I’m in no way healed, but I finally have a natropath that I feel confident in and with his help and the help of this cleanse, I think the vitality I’m craving is within my reach. The best news is, if I get my GI system healed, some of my food senstivities may go away, if not all (except wheat of course). How amazing would that be?? Not like I eat a lot of that stuff on a regular basis, but it would take away so much stress not to have to worry about it!

For the last few days, I’ve followed the “Clean” cleanse with my boyfriend, Joe, which means I’ve still been eating solid, elimination diet meals at lunch, but having juice in the morning and a smoothie in the evening. Joe is struggling so far, and he’s way cranky. I, on the other hand, am ready for something a bit more challenging. I think my body is begging me for this well-deserved rest.

So, starting tomorrow, I go liquid-only. I’ll be having juice in the morning and as an afternoon snack, and smoothies or blended soups for lunch and dinner. I’ll be sharing my recipes here, they aren’t just for cleanses! Use them for meals, snacks, whatever you want them to be but I promise they’ll be delicious! I’ll also be taking this time to do a spiritual/emotional cleanse as well by incorporating meditation, journaling, ranting on the blog, etc. And more than anything, I’m just going to give myself some love! I’m so hard on myself about EVERYTHING and it’s just not necessary or right! I have so much to be grateful for, and I hope to make those things the focal point of this journey to wellness.

Stay tuned! I may even begin posting videos

Let me be me!

I promise I didn’t create this blog to rant away from my other blog, but I really need to today.

I don’t know why, but lately I’ve been super on the defense about what I eat. I feel like I’m constantly explaining myself to people and correcting them about aspects of my diet they don’t understand. I knew getting into this that there would be skeptics, and I’ve made it my mission to share my views with the world, but sometimes I wish everyone would just leave me the eff alone about it.

Today, for example. I was bad enough that I had to eat lunch on the floor without a break and have customers interrupt with their purchases, but then they feel the need to ask me a million questions about it. “What is that?” “It looks really…interesting.” I’ve also had people make negative comments about veganism after I mention my diet. One lady told me her nine year old son decided to stop eating meat because he thought it was wrong and she told me she’s trying to make him eat meat, and that it’s just a “phase”. I couldn’t help myself, I had to be like “good for your son!”

If I had a dollar for everytime someone has said “I don’t know how you do it, I could never eat the way you eat” or “I feel so bad for you” I’d be a damn billionaire. How to I convey to ignorant people that I’m doing what is best for my body, the planet, and other living beings, without really feeling like I’m sacrificing anything at all? No one believes me unless I get into a detailed discussion with them about it (I actually helped one of my close friends decide to go vegan with one of those conversations), but I don’t always have the time or energy for something like that. And most times, people aren’t receptive to it. They didn’t come to me for advice, I’m just offering it randomly, and people get very defensive if you call them out on a bad habit.

What irks me the most though is the people I’m close to doing this to me. My boyfriend takes some sadistic pleasure in disagreeing with everything I say relating to my diet, just to get a rise out of me, and it ALWAYS works. I know thats not very yogini of me but I’m just so passionate that sometimes rational conversation just flies right out of the window. And my parents seem to think this is some type of phase (since I’ve tried and failed before), and are just holding out until I change my mind. Even my best friend in the entire world who is always supportive when no one else is made a comment that she thinks I’ll eat meat again. Why is it so hard to grasp that I’m making the committment to do this for life and that my body and spirit, not to mention the world, are better for it?

I wish I had something more productive or cosntructive to write about today, especially after such a long hiatus, but I’m afraid that’s all I’ve got today. Fortunately, ranting about it restored my inner calm, so I definitely feel better. I’d love to hear your feedback on the subject though! What frustrations have you come to face in your struggle for a healthier life?